accomplishments and challenges

Living with depression is tough, but feeling like I accomplished something each day helps me get through. Today I cleaned and organized my very cluttered mudroom. It felt good to get rid of the mess and to know what is there and where things are again! I wish I could clean up and re-organize my life as easily! They say when you fall off a horse you should get right back on and ride. No-one gives you any direction on what to do when the horse runs off without you! The challenge for me right now is to figure out where I am going and how I am going to get there now that the horse has run away!

Another day, another boring day. I went to church again, and the only thing I got out of it was a reason to laugh. I found it laughable. I guess maybe it might not be the right church for me. Looking for activities to get involved in. Maybe that will help.

Depression

I ended 2008 in a pool of regrets. I made a mistake that cost me my job, then gave up a second job because it was too physically challenging. I have made only minimal effort to find something else because I am so scared. I don't know what I am qualified to do with my physical limitations, but I make only minimal attempts to change what I can about myself. Obesity is the root of all my health issues, and food is my addiction. I fight the vicious circle of not exercising because it causes so much pain, but exercise would strengthen the muscles, helping to reduce the pain and helping me to loose weight. I am sinking into a depression. I know the symptoms, been here before, but can't seem to move beyond them either. Not suicidal or anything like that, just sad and lonely and scared. I can't (maybe I ma afraid?) do it alone, but I have no-one to do it with either. I used to be a Christian. I lost that somewhere and I am not sure where or how or why. I know I miss it, but I don't know how to get it back. I am going to church again, but probably for all the wrong reasons. I try to pray, but I can't seem to focus my mind on it long enough to have coherent thoughts. My children (adults) are all struggling as well, and I feel that also is my fault. I try to talk to my husband, but he wants so much to protect me from any pain that he starts blaming himself for everything...then I feel worse. I have no friends and my extended family is far away- we aren't so close anyway. For now...for this time...you will be my friend, my confidante, my place to let go of all the heartache and pain. Goodnight.

Moving on with my day

Volume up. Louder. Crank it! There. Pounding drum, beating rhythm pulsing the noise out of my brain. I let the music numb my mind so that everything else goes away. Good, now let the music wash through me. Feel it in my heart, my pulse. Let go of the noises of life, children, men, work. I find myself dancing around the living room with tears rolling down my face. Am I laughing or crying? I don't seem to know, but it doesn't seem to matter. All the anger, sadness, tiredness & frustration seem to wash away with the tears. I feel free, fresh, light & new; cleansed like the streets after a spring rain. I turn down the music, and move on with my day.

a begining

I have no idea what I am doing here except that I love to write. I have been writing since I learned my alphabet. I entered essay contests & won in grade school, had a poem published in high school, and wrote letters (truthfully short books) to my family & friends as an adult. I have a book of stories begun, but never completed. I've spent the last 25 years working full time & raising 3 beautiful, intelligent and inspiring daughters. Now that they are grown and on their own I finally have a little free time to write for pleasure again. Let's see where this takes us...