Another day, another boring day. I went to church again, and the only thing I got out of it was a reason to laugh. I found it laughable. I guess maybe it might not be the right church for me. Looking for activities to get involved in. Maybe that will help.

Depression

I ended 2008 in a pool of regrets. I made a mistake that cost me my job, then gave up a second job because it was too physically challenging. I have made only minimal effort to find something else because I am so scared. I don't know what I am qualified to do with my physical limitations, but I make only minimal attempts to change what I can about myself. Obesity is the root of all my health issues, and food is my addiction. I fight the vicious circle of not exercising because it causes so much pain, but exercise would strengthen the muscles, helping to reduce the pain and helping me to loose weight. I am sinking into a depression. I know the symptoms, been here before, but can't seem to move beyond them either. Not suicidal or anything like that, just sad and lonely and scared. I can't (maybe I ma afraid?) do it alone, but I have no-one to do it with either. I used to be a Christian. I lost that somewhere and I am not sure where or how or why. I know I miss it, but I don't know how to get it back. I am going to church again, but probably for all the wrong reasons. I try to pray, but I can't seem to focus my mind on it long enough to have coherent thoughts. My children (adults) are all struggling as well, and I feel that also is my fault. I try to talk to my husband, but he wants so much to protect me from any pain that he starts blaming himself for everything...then I feel worse. I have no friends and my extended family is far away- we aren't so close anyway. For now...for this time...you will be my friend, my confidante, my place to let go of all the heartache and pain. Goodnight.